If only change were so easy. We wouldn't need therapists or life coaches. It's not at all. Even with intention, motivation and purpose! The call and force of Everyday Mode often feels too strong, as we are innately creatures of habit. Let me give you a great and recent personal example.
Last week my professor of my first Graduate Seminar course here at UGA, Dr. Denise Lewis, who is also the graduate coordinator of my program (a very important person regarding my success at UGA) gave me "the talk" about not wearing my helmet when I ride my bike. Another important professor, core MFT faculty member Dr. Desiree Seponski, used Denise's opportunity to also gave me the business. Soon enough, the whole class started laughing about it. To further intensify matters, Denise enlightened us with a fear-instilling story where her husband gravely injured his head over the long-term because an animal decided to enter his path right as he was crossing on his bike without a helmet. I felt mortified and foolish but I simply laughed with the class because it was a little funny why I wasn't wearing my helmet; I wasn't used to it and I didn't want another thing to deal with. When I reconsider those reasons, they sound quite ridiculous. This is often what happens to Everyday Mode of Being when it's carefully scrutinized through the lens of Ontological Being. The moral of the story is (if I understood correctly) that our brains are too important and wearing a helmet is too easy and simple to not do it. The risks are far too high while there are virtually no costs, and benefit is quite great! A protected brain! Plus I already have a helmet!
Accordingly, to avoid further embarrassment (and also to protect my precious head) I decided that day that I would routinely wear my helmet when I ride. The next day I succeeding in bringing it with me. I was so excited and proud of myself that I emailed Desiree and Denise with the great news of his personal change. The enthusiasm was short-lived when Desiree noticed me riding my bike the following day without a helmet. As I passed by, she yelled "where's your helmet?!" I felt so caught off guard that I almost stopped where I was at one block ahead, to give her the lame explanation that I had totally forgot to wear it. Making such a simple change was harder than it seemed! How I detest this type of realization. I really had simply forgotten because wearing a helmet hadn't entered into my daily routine yet. Apparently I needed to relapse a few times for this change to sink in. And just is such a simple change! What change is simpler than putting a helmet you already own onto your head? If you have any ideas, please let me know.
When I explore this series of events in retrospect and self-compassion and gentle understanding, I can realize that every time I notice I'm in Everyday mode (i.e. forgetting my helmet) and purposely go back to Ontological mode (realizing how important my head is and wearing my helmet), it's a success! I'm much less likely to forget my helmet now, so I can be grateful for this instead of beating myself up for immediately forgetting before. Life is always now.
Dwelling on the mistakes of the past just makes Everyday Mode stronger. In the words of my favorite Buddhist monk Ajan Brahm (who I discovered on YouTube), "you often don't learn from the past but learn a lot more from letting go of the past."
I'm so glad you're wearing your helmet! That seems like a good step toward living in ontological mode. After all, you can't consider being and things of the like if you don't have a brain to do it with. I can't really talk, of course, but since my bike is currently out of commission until I get that pedal fixed, no one can yell at me...
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