The Worst is Over: It's (mostly) all Up-Hill from Here

Of course it still needs work, but I just learned that I can write a solid literature review a lot better than I thought. I believe the paper I am working on can get published if I work on it for countless hours and get support. I found many gaps in the literature about mindfulness applied to couples, an area of interest I couldn't be more passionate about. When I apply this to Latino couples, the literature is non-existant. This gives me a unique opportunity to contribute to the literature. More and more experiences like this will be opening to me as I progress through this program.

Now I'm happy I just got through the first initial path. On the way to finishing the semester strong. Ontological Mode comes in when I take breaks to take in how lucky I am to be where I am, and that all my problems are first-world. I can now apply what I've learned in previous blogs to stay on the right track. 

With this realization is that, being born into a race with a legacy of imperialism and conquest, it's my job use this benefit to allay the suffering of others less fortunate.  Figuring out what this looks like while staying in Ontological Mode is the topic of another blog.

Self-Therapy: Using Ontological Mode of Being to Say Goodbye to Old Unnecessary Mental "Tapes"

"Our life is like a silent film on which we each write our own commentary."
 -Unknown Zen Buddhist Master

I often "freak out" about all the work I need to do. Even though it's mild, not even close to a panic-attack, this has been happening for decades. I think the first time I remember it was in 6th grade when I had to write my first research paper. Even though I have always completed what I needed to, I still often get lost in the "freak out" mental "tape" like today when I went to the movie theater with my parents. I had a subtle yet pretty long-lasting burst of anxiety. This is old anxiety but it often tries to convince me it's new! I know this but again, it doesn't prevent me from feeling stuck and lost in it. The good thing is now I know I can do something different. Doing and thinking differently will inevitably alter my feelings according to the Thoughts-Behavior-Feelings Triangle we learned in Trauma-focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

Let's look at another inspiring quote:

"If focusing on the desired outcome of an activity is conducive to anxiety and depression, a focus on the process and intrinsic qualities of an activity reduces the likelihood of anxiety and depression. This not only eliminates their negative impact on performance and increases the pleasure of joy during the process, but also increases the likelihood of achieving the positive outcome. In this sense, I have to let go of the desired outcome in order to acquire it. What a paradoxical and strange way to live." 

-Borkovec

Returning to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, a main premise is that thoughts directly causes feelings. I believe feelings can also cause thoughts do and there's research to support this. From a mindfulness perspective (Siegel, 2010), feeling overwhelmed with responsibility originates from old "mental tape" of ruminative thoughts about not completing responsibilities and what can happen from when I was in the 6th grade and faced with new scholastic responsibility. Since this mental "tape" has repeated itself countless times since, it probably have a deep connection of neural networks behind that facilitated its proliferation for all these years. Now I am choosing to do something different. Good thing our brains are quite plastic.

When I notice that I am simply re-experiencing, "hearing old tapes playing," I can step into Ontological Mode and discredit them by refusing to accept them as reality and keep in mind that I have always completed what I needed to. I can also see them mindfully, as events-like rainy clouds passing through the sky, not take them seriously and simply stay present in the here-and-now, which is indispensable in Ontological Mode of Being. Realizing the negative thoughts can be triggered by low moods (Siegel, 2010, p. 152), I can notice my emotional states, the thoughts they generate, and continually remind myself that thoughts aren't reality. From this vantage point, it can be interesting, potentially fascinating to notice the stories that certain moods engender, instead of mindlessly accepting them as truth with a capital T.

 In this sense, I'm choosing to consider the evidence that I have always completed what I've needed to in order to stop buying into "old conditioned tapes" that don't accurately reflect me anymore, and instead create more meaningful and flexible new ones that capture all my strengths, accomplishes and redeeming personality traits.

Since I will be a researcher, when I notice these things, I find them very interesting and then starting thinking about writing about them. This also interrupts the moments I attempt to practice mindfulness but their entertainment neutralizes how much this can bother me. I can also remind myself that these ideas won't go anywhere; they'll wait for me to finish my meditation. It only gets a little tricky when I want to remember them the exact way they appeared in my mind initially, but this too is manageable by every means.

Clearly everything I've written so far is easier to write about but hard to practice. It's time to practice, practice, practice. Bottom line: Instead of conditioned habits writing my story for me, it's also time for me to write my own commentary.

Back in Ontological Mode again; Discouragement as a Mere Mind State that Will Pass

From the vantage point of mindfulness literature, emotional states, although they can feel supremely powerful and consuming, are just transient mind states, nothing more. The metaphor that's been utilized in books, articles and guided meditations is comparing our moods to the earth's weather. Just like our minds, on the earth it rains, then the sun comes out, then it gets foggy. There are many more changes and they will continue to flux and cycle. The key is that there is no inherent goodness or badness about each of the earth's weather states. Sunshine isn't inherently better than rain whether we prefer it or not; both sunshine and rain are simply passing states the earth cycles through. The same applies to inner mind states. The problem is that as humans, we've been conditioned to constantly be seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, when ironically pleasure is temporary by nature and pain is inevitable by nature. (Do you know anyone who's never felt pain?) In this sense, we can help ourselves out immensely by not trying to hold on to pleasure longer than it's meant to stay (there by enjoying it more) and not trying to avoid pain when it inexorably visits us, and embracing it as temporary. 

Returning back to the weather analogy, that's most important is our willingness to be awake and aware regardless of the "weather" state of our minds. No matter what's going on, we can always tune into the vast awareness that lingers below. Staying in the vast awareness is what mindfulness and Ontological Being are all about. It turns out, this unconditional presence, no matter what the present state, is always in reach. By purposely practicing mindfulness, we can train our minds to be less affected by the current mind state and tune into the awareness below. In my field of Marriage & Family Therapy, we can think of this as focusing on process, instead of content, which is where change really occurs. This realization is what's helped me tap into the peace below the Everyday Mode turbulence; I'm feeling inspired even though my recent mind states have been like this picture below.

Identifying & Addressing A Potential Sabotaging Force to Living in Ontological Mode

When I was practicing mindfulness as I was walking to the laundry room to pick up my clean clothes, I noticed that part of me doesn't feel worthy of just being in the present moment, without planning, processing and engaging in some type of mental effort. This part of me always feels behind and is really trying to keep up, play catch-up and make me think that I don't deserve to just be present in the now. I will give this part a name, inspired by Narrative Therapy's Externalizing Conversations.

This part of me is called the "Voices of the Unworthy and Wounded Child" at times and at others, the "Inferiority Complex." Even though small figures come to mind when I try to describe them, their energy is powerful and penetrating. Their colors are dark and they're angry. They're threatened by mindfulness and Ontological Being and prefer to keep me trudging in Everyday Mode of Being. They try to convince me that I'm not worthy of being where I am and that "I'm not Good Enough." When I explore their messages, I discover they're baseless. They're full empty claims, yet their energy is no less powerful. Regarding my inter-world and how I conceptualize my identity, I know this realization is a game-changer, even though these parts of me were never formally externalized. That said, what do I do with the residual emotion of unworthiness, even if I know it's baseless? I think I need to work with an experienced EMDR therapist to help my release the pent-up emotion from past early traumas of being teased in elementary school. Until I get that therapy, I'm still feeling empowered that I identified those parts and their innate baselessness.