When I was practicing mindfulness as I was walking to the laundry room to pick up my clean clothes, I noticed that part of me doesn't feel worthy of just being in the present moment, without planning, processing and engaging in some type of mental effort. This part of me always feels behind and is really trying to keep up, play catch-up and make me think that I don't deserve to just be present in the now. I will give this part a name, inspired by Narrative Therapy's Externalizing Conversations.
This part of me is called the "Voices of the Unworthy and Wounded Child" at times and at others, the "Inferiority Complex." Even though small figures come to mind when I try to describe them, their energy is powerful and penetrating. Their colors are dark and they're angry. They're threatened by mindfulness and Ontological Being and prefer to keep me trudging in Everyday Mode of Being. They try to convince me that I'm not worthy of being where I am and that "I'm not Good Enough." When I explore their messages, I discover they're baseless. They're full empty claims, yet their energy is no less powerful. Regarding my inter-world and how I conceptualize my identity, I know this realization is a game-changer, even though these parts of me were never formally externalized. That said, what do I do with the residual emotion of unworthiness, even if I know it's baseless? I think I need to work with an experienced EMDR therapist to help my release the pent-up emotion from past early traumas of being teased in elementary school. Until I get that therapy, I'm still feeling empowered that I identified those parts and their innate baselessness.
I think we often, and unfairly, compare ourselves to "what we should be" whether that is doing or being. I feel this sometimes as well, and I believe the "Inferiority Complex" is a common thing. As I've mentioned in a previous reply, I have many friends with PhDs that suffer from IC on a semi-regular basis. Is it societal pressure? Is it pressure we take on? I think it can be healthy but can quickly slide into being unhealthy. In the end it is important to remember that the reason we chose to continue our educations is to be more than we were. We love learning, it challenges us and may not be where our interests lie all the time but it will make us better clinicians and teachers. Our desire to be better comes with many obstacles.
ReplyDeleteWas there ever a time when your ontological self was under treat? How did you overcome that threat?
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