Using Gratitude & Mindfulness to Stay in Ontological Mode

Life only occurs in the present moment. The only time we can feel peaceful is in the here-and-now. It doesn't exist anywhere else. The problem is that our minds are constantly going into the past and future rather compulsively. They have years of training in this. Certain sources suggests that most humans are lost in thought around 47% of the time. When I'm mindful, only focused on the task at hand in the present moment, life is a lot easier.

Regarding gratitude, I'm grateful for so much but I don't feel comfortable listing all the reasons why in a public blog. The realizations that I'm right where I need to be and have simply gotten too annoyed with things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of life propel me forward.

I need to see the forest instead of the trees, like getting a B+, 2 points short of 300. This will help me professionally too, for example, in better timing my presentations, making them more pointed, cleaner and versed. In the long-run, this will keep me calm, composed, grateful, mindful and not sweating the little things.

The Worst is Over: It's (mostly) all Up-Hill from Here

Of course it still needs work, but I just learned that I can write a solid literature review a lot better than I thought. I believe the paper I am working on can get published if I work on it for countless hours and get support. I found many gaps in the literature about mindfulness applied to couples, an area of interest I couldn't be more passionate about. When I apply this to Latino couples, the literature is non-existant. This gives me a unique opportunity to contribute to the literature. More and more experiences like this will be opening to me as I progress through this program.

Now I'm happy I just got through the first initial path. On the way to finishing the semester strong. Ontological Mode comes in when I take breaks to take in how lucky I am to be where I am, and that all my problems are first-world. I can now apply what I've learned in previous blogs to stay on the right track. 

With this realization is that, being born into a race with a legacy of imperialism and conquest, it's my job use this benefit to allay the suffering of others less fortunate.  Figuring out what this looks like while staying in Ontological Mode is the topic of another blog.

Self-Therapy: Using Ontological Mode of Being to Say Goodbye to Old Unnecessary Mental "Tapes"

"Our life is like a silent film on which we each write our own commentary."
 -Unknown Zen Buddhist Master

I often "freak out" about all the work I need to do. Even though it's mild, not even close to a panic-attack, this has been happening for decades. I think the first time I remember it was in 6th grade when I had to write my first research paper. Even though I have always completed what I needed to, I still often get lost in the "freak out" mental "tape" like today when I went to the movie theater with my parents. I had a subtle yet pretty long-lasting burst of anxiety. This is old anxiety but it often tries to convince me it's new! I know this but again, it doesn't prevent me from feeling stuck and lost in it. The good thing is now I know I can do something different. Doing and thinking differently will inevitably alter my feelings according to the Thoughts-Behavior-Feelings Triangle we learned in Trauma-focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

Let's look at another inspiring quote:

"If focusing on the desired outcome of an activity is conducive to anxiety and depression, a focus on the process and intrinsic qualities of an activity reduces the likelihood of anxiety and depression. This not only eliminates their negative impact on performance and increases the pleasure of joy during the process, but also increases the likelihood of achieving the positive outcome. In this sense, I have to let go of the desired outcome in order to acquire it. What a paradoxical and strange way to live." 

-Borkovec

Returning to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, a main premise is that thoughts directly causes feelings. I believe feelings can also cause thoughts do and there's research to support this. From a mindfulness perspective (Siegel, 2010), feeling overwhelmed with responsibility originates from old "mental tape" of ruminative thoughts about not completing responsibilities and what can happen from when I was in the 6th grade and faced with new scholastic responsibility. Since this mental "tape" has repeated itself countless times since, it probably have a deep connection of neural networks behind that facilitated its proliferation for all these years. Now I am choosing to do something different. Good thing our brains are quite plastic.

When I notice that I am simply re-experiencing, "hearing old tapes playing," I can step into Ontological Mode and discredit them by refusing to accept them as reality and keep in mind that I have always completed what I needed to. I can also see them mindfully, as events-like rainy clouds passing through the sky, not take them seriously and simply stay present in the here-and-now, which is indispensable in Ontological Mode of Being. Realizing the negative thoughts can be triggered by low moods (Siegel, 2010, p. 152), I can notice my emotional states, the thoughts they generate, and continually remind myself that thoughts aren't reality. From this vantage point, it can be interesting, potentially fascinating to notice the stories that certain moods engender, instead of mindlessly accepting them as truth with a capital T.

 In this sense, I'm choosing to consider the evidence that I have always completed what I've needed to in order to stop buying into "old conditioned tapes" that don't accurately reflect me anymore, and instead create more meaningful and flexible new ones that capture all my strengths, accomplishes and redeeming personality traits.

Since I will be a researcher, when I notice these things, I find them very interesting and then starting thinking about writing about them. This also interrupts the moments I attempt to practice mindfulness but their entertainment neutralizes how much this can bother me. I can also remind myself that these ideas won't go anywhere; they'll wait for me to finish my meditation. It only gets a little tricky when I want to remember them the exact way they appeared in my mind initially, but this too is manageable by every means.

Clearly everything I've written so far is easier to write about but hard to practice. It's time to practice, practice, practice. Bottom line: Instead of conditioned habits writing my story for me, it's also time for me to write my own commentary.

Back in Ontological Mode again; Discouragement as a Mere Mind State that Will Pass

From the vantage point of mindfulness literature, emotional states, although they can feel supremely powerful and consuming, are just transient mind states, nothing more. The metaphor that's been utilized in books, articles and guided meditations is comparing our moods to the earth's weather. Just like our minds, on the earth it rains, then the sun comes out, then it gets foggy. There are many more changes and they will continue to flux and cycle. The key is that there is no inherent goodness or badness about each of the earth's weather states. Sunshine isn't inherently better than rain whether we prefer it or not; both sunshine and rain are simply passing states the earth cycles through. The same applies to inner mind states. The problem is that as humans, we've been conditioned to constantly be seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, when ironically pleasure is temporary by nature and pain is inevitable by nature. (Do you know anyone who's never felt pain?) In this sense, we can help ourselves out immensely by not trying to hold on to pleasure longer than it's meant to stay (there by enjoying it more) and not trying to avoid pain when it inexorably visits us, and embracing it as temporary. 

Returning back to the weather analogy, that's most important is our willingness to be awake and aware regardless of the "weather" state of our minds. No matter what's going on, we can always tune into the vast awareness that lingers below. Staying in the vast awareness is what mindfulness and Ontological Being are all about. It turns out, this unconditional presence, no matter what the present state, is always in reach. By purposely practicing mindfulness, we can train our minds to be less affected by the current mind state and tune into the awareness below. In my field of Marriage & Family Therapy, we can think of this as focusing on process, instead of content, which is where change really occurs. This realization is what's helped me tap into the peace below the Everyday Mode turbulence; I'm feeling inspired even though my recent mind states have been like this picture below.

Identifying & Addressing A Potential Sabotaging Force to Living in Ontological Mode

When I was practicing mindfulness as I was walking to the laundry room to pick up my clean clothes, I noticed that part of me doesn't feel worthy of just being in the present moment, without planning, processing and engaging in some type of mental effort. This part of me always feels behind and is really trying to keep up, play catch-up and make me think that I don't deserve to just be present in the now. I will give this part a name, inspired by Narrative Therapy's Externalizing Conversations.

This part of me is called the "Voices of the Unworthy and Wounded Child" at times and at others, the "Inferiority Complex." Even though small figures come to mind when I try to describe them, their energy is powerful and penetrating. Their colors are dark and they're angry. They're threatened by mindfulness and Ontological Being and prefer to keep me trudging in Everyday Mode of Being. They try to convince me that I'm not worthy of being where I am and that "I'm not Good Enough." When I explore their messages, I discover they're baseless. They're full empty claims, yet their energy is no less powerful. Regarding my inter-world and how I conceptualize my identity, I know this realization is a game-changer, even though these parts of me were never formally externalized. That said, what do I do with the residual emotion of unworthiness, even if I know it's baseless? I think I need to work with an experienced EMDR therapist to help my release the pent-up emotion from past early traumas of being teased in elementary school. Until I get that therapy, I'm still feeling empowered that I identified those parts and their innate baselessness.

Where is Ontological Mode of Being in the Face of Major Everyday Mode Adjustment?

Let me start off with a disclaimer that this topic isn't easy for me to blog about anymore because it's getting more personal than I anticipated. That said, I need to continue because continuing this blog is a commitment I made at the start of my first semester in my PhD program. I don't give up.

I didn't anticipate this much struggle in the transition but I'm at peace with this now that this early stage. I've gone through a lot worse and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel before. I really am a person who sees strength and beauty in vulnerability and struggle so I'm willing to take the plunge. The fact is that not everyone graduates in their PhD program, especially at an R.1 institution, and I'm motivated to allow this to be an impetus for my growth.

It's no secret that my adjustment Georgia, Athens and the MFT program has been quite bumpy . I'm realizing that I'm going to have to play catch-up for a while until I become more settled and confident in my scholarly abilities. My sense is that most of my colleagues have more training and background in academic rigor and overall development as scholar at this early stage in the program. Regarding the topic of my blog, it's time to move toward Ontological Mode of Being by mastering Everyday Mode of Being, that is establishing myself as competent and more than able to contribute originally to my colleagues and professors. This is largely about demonstrating that I belong to do be in this program, not only to everyone in the program, but to myself. I'm ready to go all-in.

The past is the greatest predictor of the future; I think I can do it because I've overcome larger obstacles before. I'm excited to let this experience help me grow.

"Imposter Syndrome" & Feeling Vulnerable as Sources of Resilience & Roots of Growth

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” 

-Martin Luther King Jr.

In my previous posts, I was having fun documenting my journey toward embodying Ontological Being and showing-off my knowledge and personal application of mindfulness and gratitude. This blog has felt like fun self-care writing and I've definitely made progress since I've begun the blog, but now, 2 months into this program, my feelings are threatening my progress. 

As a stern believer in human resilience and in my own capacity to heal and thrive in adverse circumstances, this is when I can be most productive in my writing, so I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write. Even though I can't feel it now, I know this will afford me many opportunities for growth. I must know, deep-down, that the biggest Everyday Mode struggles can potentially lead to the greatest Ontological Mode realizations. I truly believe this and will use this knowledge for courage to be vulnerable. 

I was originally hesitant to write about this because I don't want my colleagues or professor to pity me but I've come to the conclusion they won't; that they will support me instead, because I believe that they too, will be able to identify with my struggles. I'm attempting to be a lot more vulnerable now than I imagined. I guess these types of surprises can be expected after such a monumental transition from doing purely clinical work in California to beginning a doctoral program at a top-tier research institution. 

After a few unsettling interactions with faculty and struggling in my Statistics class, the truth is that I’m feeling very insecure about where I am in my professional development and am starting to have serious doubts about whether I will be successful in this program. This is at the heart of "Imposter Syndrome." It seems like everyone in my program is working exciting projects and I’m feeling left out. I’m feeling “out-of-the-loop,” excluded, less-than, like everyone else in the program is a lot better than me. I guess when it comes down to it, I’m not feeling "good enough."  I'm experiencing being in this position as quite odd because I’ve always considered myself to be confident in my abilities. I know, however, that a lot of what I'm experiencing is "old stuff," mainly feeling left-out in middle school and ridiculed for my speech impediment. My parents supported me after school but I don't think my teachers, who witnessed the others teasing me, knew how to help me and I may have internalized this as my being deficient in some way. I'm confident this will change, as after all, 2 months is simply not enough time to draw conclusions about anything.  I won't let my past dictate my future.

That said, being in such a different, unfamiliar, competitive environment has flipped me upside-down, literally. I went from feeling like I was the strongest MFT intern at my clinic to feeling like no one, out of place.  Where is Ontological Mode of Being now? Why does it feel so abstract, intangible, hard to grasp, far away? 

This will happen sometimes and I know it will pass. I know this type of fleeting emotional crisis can lead to strength and resilience. Writing out my struggles has usually worked for me and I’m confident it will help now too; in fact it already is. Thanks for this awesome writing-therapy, Jason! (You're welcome, Jason). I've just realized that I will need to work extra hard and really be “on the ball” to be successful the way I would like to and how I know I can. This is a wake-up call.  I can do this. I applied to very competitive PhD programs because I wanted to study with the best, not buy my doctorate like students at private and profit-driven universities. Now it’s time I prove myself like I have in the past. After all, I've gotten this far! I know I can too because others have thrived in even worse circumstances. I have many examples!

Jack Ma, CEO of one of the most successful commerce companies of our time, Alibaba, considered the "Amazon of China," was rejected from Harvard 10 times. Elon Musk's ground-breaking technology company, Tesla, was on the verge of bankruptcy; now it's poised to move the word to electric cars and achieve more sustainable transport. In an interview, he was asked if he felt like giving up; he responded non-chalantly, "I never give up."

 J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter was rejected by 12 publishers before it became one of the most widespread fiction novel series the world knows. All-star basketball players Stephen Curry and Michael Jordan endured rejections from various schools before they succeeded. South African revolutionary Nelson Mandela was in jail for 27 years, which only made his fight for democracy and freedom all the more powerful. Timeless psychiatrist Victor Frankl proclaimed that his experience surviving Holocaust was the basis for this groundbreaking Logo-Therapy about meaning in life. Famous New York Times best-selling author Malcolm Gladwell documents that ‘desirable difficulty’ stimulates growth. Jon Kabat-Zinn, who brought mindfulness to mainstream medicine, states, “Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and my heart.”

 In a famous TED Talk, Thandie Newton states, “...And I honestly believe the key to my success as an actor and my progress as a person has been the very lack of self that used to make me feel so anxious and insecure. I always wondered why I could feel others' pain so deeply, why I could recognize the somebody in the nobody… The thing that was a source of shame was actually a source of enlightenment...” 

How can I use their experiences to bring me back to Ontological Mode of Being?
Have you ever felt like this? If so, what helped you get through it?

I would love to see your comments below!

Relapse is Part of Positive Change! I Already Did it 100 times

If only change were so easy. We wouldn't need therapists or life coaches. It's not at all. Even with intention, motivation and purpose! The call and force of Everyday Mode often feels too strong, as we are innately creatures of habit. Let me give you a great and recent personal example.

 Last week my professor of my first Graduate Seminar course here at UGA, Dr. Denise Lewis, who is also the graduate coordinator of my program (a very important person regarding my success at UGA) gave me "the talk" about not wearing my helmet when I ride my bike. Another important professor, core MFT faculty member Dr. Desiree Seponski, used Denise's opportunity to also gave me the business. Soon enough, the whole class started laughing about it. To further intensify matters, Denise enlightened us with a fear-instilling story where her husband gravely injured his head over the long-term because an animal decided to enter his path right as he was crossing on his bike without a helmet. I felt mortified and foolish but I simply laughed with the class because it was a little funny why I wasn't wearing my helmet; I wasn't used to it and I didn't want another thing to deal with. When I reconsider those reasons, they sound quite ridiculous. This is often what happens to Everyday Mode of Being when it's carefully scrutinized through the lens of Ontological Being. The moral of the story is (if I understood correctly) that our brains are too important and wearing a helmet is too easy and simple to not do it. The risks are far too high while there are virtually no costs, and benefit is quite great! A protected brain! Plus I already have a helmet!

Accordingly, to avoid further embarrassment (and also to protect my precious head) I decided that day that I would routinely wear my helmet when I ride. The next day I succeeding in bringing it with me. I was so excited and proud of myself that I emailed Desiree and Denise with the great news of his personal change. The enthusiasm was short-lived when Desiree noticed me riding my bike the following day without a helmet. As I passed by, she yelled "where's your helmet?!" I felt so caught off guard that I almost stopped where I was at one block ahead, to give her the lame explanation that I had totally forgot to wear it. Making such a simple change was harder than it seemed! How I detest this type of realization. I really had simply forgotten because wearing a helmet hadn't entered into my daily routine yet. Apparently I needed to relapse a few times for this change to sink in. And just is such a simple change! What change is simpler than putting a helmet you already own onto your head? If you have any ideas, please let me know.

When I explore this series of events in retrospect and self-compassion and gentle understanding, I can realize that every time I notice I'm in Everyday mode (i.e. forgetting my helmet) and purposely go back to Ontological mode (realizing how important my head is and wearing my helmet), it's a success! I'm much less likely to forget my helmet now, so I can be grateful for this instead of beating myself up for immediately forgetting before. Life is always now.

Dwelling on the mistakes of the past just makes Everyday Mode stronger. In the words of my favorite Buddhist monk Ajan Brahm (who I discovered on YouTube), "you often don't learn from the past but learn a lot more from letting go of the past."

Why Mindfulness? Hijacking the Mind's Default Mode and Instead Living Alive

Ontological Mode of Being is all about being. Being, itself is not a philosophy but a practice. You simply can't experience it through words. Accordingly, in order to fully step into ontological being in my daily life, as opposed to Everyday Mode of Being, I need to cultivate it routinely by practicing. Mindfulness Meditation is a viable means (in addition to frequent informal practice in what ever I am doing in my daily life).

In a seminal research study called "Self-referential Modes of Knowing," Norman Farb asked participants to lay down in an MRI brain scanner and instructed them to "do nothing." He found out that we don't just do nothing. Not even a chance! The majority of participants started to think and narrate.  The mind just ceaselessly generates thought after thought, problem-solving, day-dreaming, planning, worrying, fantasizing, obsessing etc. When our minds are in this "default mode," we can say that we are in Everyday Mode of Being.  The region of the midline cerebral cortex called the "narrative network" lights up. It turns of that this "default mode," this autopilot of endless chatter, interpretation, judgment, analysis and second-guessing consumes copious energy! According to the publication, this is the same type of thinking that keeps people up at night, such as "I hope I will have time to go to the store tomorrow," or "why didn't professor smith give us clear direction on the homework," or "I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow." Dr. Farb calls this our "story of me," which when examined, tends to be obsessed with fault-finding, exceptionally skilled at complaining, self-centered, obsessed with the future and past, focused more on negatives than positives, excessively repetitive, boring, negative and often just plain wrong! We often, by default, talk to ourselves (or should I say berate ourselves) in ways we would never talk to others. By contrast, when participants trained in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, in other words, versed in Ontological Mode of Being, are told to lay down and do nothing, a lateral network and the insula light up, called the experiential network, which rarely gets airtime, unless we are trained in it. They don't report much of the default story-telling, and instead physical sensory unfolding of the present moment, now, which is closely associated with Ontological Mode of Being. Simply put, it is merely being, not obsessive, aimless, self-deprecating, future and past oriented thinking.

I've struggled with my own default narrative network, and it is what often keeps me up, when need to be sleeping. With my loved ones, I have been snappy or reactive. Practicing mindfulness meditation entails noticing my impulse toward anger for a time without acting on it, launching me into Ontological Mode of Being.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, the man largely responsible for bringing mindfulness meditation into medicine and to the west, encourages us to recognize that "it's anger-ing" instead of saying "I'm angry." This way it doesn't have to be personal, as it usually comes from years of habits, conditioning that don't necessarily have to do with me. I'll know when I'm in Ontological Mode of Being if I pause to notice anger surfacing, instead of blindly reacting to it. I also tend to rush when I eat, so when I'm more in Ontological Mode of Being, I will slow down, taste the food and enjoy each bite, embracing that eating is a privilege, that sadly many people die everyday from starvation. Similarly, in Ontological Mode of Being, I will be feeling my teeth when I brush, instead of thinking about what I will do the next day as I brush. In my morning shower, I will be feeling the warm water instead of bringing my homework, readings, assistantship and social activities into the bathroom with me. This begins to generalize to all the actions of my daily life, like tuning into my step when I walk, and feeling the air when I breathe.

This alive, present moment awareness is Ontological Mode of Being. Want to practice? Try this 12 minute introduction to mindfulness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKTxp193MC8

Being in Ontological Mode Means Fully Appreciating & Wanting What You Already Have & Where you Already Are!

In terms of my social scene, adjusting to the University of Georgia (UGA) and Athens has been a little bumpy. It's definitely a work in progress. Before I was exposed to mindfulness and Ontological Being, my mind's mindless tendency was to take most things others did or said to me personally. Like it was about me. Now I rarely do that because I know deeply that initially feeling somewhat lonely in a new state and place isn't personal at all. This is what happens when you move across the country. This is just a phase that I'll grow out of as I make more meaningful connections and establish a life for myself in Athens. I'm also grateful for it because it helped me realized how special and strong my family and friend support system is out of Athens. It also inspired me to write this blog post! In Ontological Mode, our struggles become sources of gratitude, strength and resilience. 

In the bigger scheme of things, when I reflect on ontological being, I deeply remember how badly I wanted to leave Marin County, where I was before moving to Athens, and get funding to do my PhD at a place like UGA, a top research institution. That was all I wanted. Now I got it and notice my Everyday-Mode mind doesn't naturally appreciate it. I need to consciously step into Ontological Being so I can appreciate where I am a lot more! It's too easy and automatic, especially in this competitive world, to never be satisfied, to just want more and more. In high school, all I wanted was to graduate! Then all I wanted was to get into a decent college! Then all I wanted was a Master's program! Then see clients and making a living for myself doing what I love to do. Then a PhD. Now I'm here and it's easy to overlook how much I've accomplished. I know that when I graduate, publish, present more, it may feel like it's not enough either. Ontological Being is about breaking this cycle of never feeling satisfied where I am and always wanting more by replacing it with fully taking in how far I've already come!

Here I’m confident that my clinical skills will improve, my research skills even more, and that I will graduate with a few publications and presentations. This is the type of program that makes a direct influence on the field. Instead of just doing therapy, I will ultimately be participating in how MFT is taught. This program was small and competitive. This way, when I want to be, (a deep wanting with a passion) where I already am, this is Ontological Being; appreciating and living fully every moment like it really matters, because it does!

Gratitude: Purposely Taking in the Good to Cultivate Ontological Mode of Being

From traveling, I've come to know that I have a great deal of privilege for one lifetime. I have many things to be grateful for, to be happy about but I usually just gloss over them. I don't think about them much. It's too easy to "forget" to appreciate them and just focus on what needs to be done or fixed. It turns out that my experience fits well into mindfulness literature and there are many viable solutions to changing this.

Our life experiences construct our mind's structure unconsciously. Even though most of our experiences tend to be actually positive, our brains have evolved to prefer, recall, react to, store and register unpleasant experiences over positive ones. This "negative bias" originated because, centuries ago, negative experiences signaled danger and paying attention to them as if our lives depended on it, facilitated our survival. That said, we don't live in jungles anymore; human civilization has advanced significantly. We still, however, have the same neural hard-wiring, so even when we experience many more pleasant moments than unpleasant ones, our network of implicit negative memories accumulates much faster. In his classic, Buddha's Brain, Rick Hanson assures us that we can rectify this by purposely cultivating positive experiences. We can correct this neural imbalance! I can correct my own.

Doing so implies that I actively looking for good news, especially those aspects of daily life that I tend to gloss over, like the fresh taste of an orange, a stranger's smile, great weather, etc, and then bringing mindful awareness around them, letting them really affect me, giving them sufficient attention. As Hanson states, it's like being at a buffet of quality food, "don't just look at; dig in!" This means that if someone treats me well, for example, I can let that feeling of warmth, feeling cared for permeate my being more than it normally would if I were in Everyday Mode of Being, and therefore strengthening its neural associations. This is where gratitude practice comes in, why some of my meditations need to be focused on gratitude; time reserved only let these good feelings sink into the sponge of my being. This will assist me to make positive experiences more prominent feel them more fully. As Hanson states, positive feelings strengthen the immune system.

What went well today for you that is worth more attention than it received?

Responding to the New Demands of Graduate School in Ontological Mode

Graduate school is getting busy. As you know from previous posts, when life feels overwhelming for me, I tend to consult mindfulness and or Buddhist literature. I came across this:

"Imagine walking along a sidewalk with your arms full of groceries, and someone roughly bumps into you so that you fall and your groceries are strewn over the ground. As you rise up from the puddle of broken eggs and tomato juice, you are ready to shout out, 'You idiot! What's wrong with you? Are you blind?' But just before you can catch your breath to speak, you see that the person who bumped into you is actually blind. He, too, is sprawled in the spilled groceries, and your anger vanishes in an instant, to be replaced by sympathetic concern: 'Are you hurt? Can I help you up?' Our situation is like that. When we clearly realize that the source of disharmony and misery in the world is ignorance, we can open the door of wisdom and compassion."

This is how I would like to treat myself and others. I have been blind to myself. As I have been mindful, something I've noticed is that when I have a lot on my plate, I tend to think about it too much. My favorite Buddhist monk Ajan Brahm, who I discovered on YouTube, says wisely, "Thinking about things is hard; doing them is easy." This has helped me live in Ontological Mode, interrupting obsessive, worrisome and ruminative thoughts from proliferating and instead arriving to this moment, putting my full attention to wants going on now, whether it's biking to class or washing the dishes. Single-tasking, hijacking the brain's default neural network I spoke of in the Mindfulness post below. This way I'm treating myself and my like like they really matter; like every action and breath are important.

When I do this, I notice that it actually increases my productivity because I do each task more carefully, with all my attention there instead of simeltanously as I am thinking about what else I have to do, which only slowed me down and fostered more, mental mindless "everyday mode" chaos. 

Ontological Mode of Being: Death as an Invitation to Life

2 months ago a dear family friend, Madsy, died from Ovarian Cancer. She was like an aunt to me. My parents told me she was there when I was born and held me minutes after I exited my mother's womb. I have many memories of staying at her home from when I was 5 years old to discussing my pending transition to study at the University of Georgia. Chemotherapy was no match for the cancer and 10 weeks before she passed, she made a conscious choice to surrender to her destiny and fade away peacefully in her home with her friends and family, away from hospitals and aggressive medical treatments. 

Never before had I confronted the fragility and temporary nature of life so rawly and vulnerably. Madsy's led me to examine my own mortality; I too, just like everyone else, will die. This is not a comfortable notion so I needed to investigate further. A long-time Buddhist monk and scholar, Sogyal Rinpoche, put me more at ease with this quote, which I'll never forget. I wish to hold close in all my interactions with others:

"When we finally know we are dying, and all other beings are dying with us, we start to have a burning, almost heartbreaking sense of the fragility and preciousness of each moment and each being, and from this can grow a deep, clear, limitless compassion for all beings."

I want to live everyday with this in mind.

In his book about overcoming the terror of death, Staring at the Sun, Irvin Yalom speaks of a famous philosopher, Heidegger, who makes a crucial distinction between Ontological mode of being vs. Everyday mode of being. In Ontological mode, you know every moment is precious, you're in touch with what really matters like your friendships and loved ones, you are mindful that every moment, breath, bite and step is not to be taken for granted. By contrast, in Everyday mode of being, sadly the state Yalom postulates that many people live in, you're mindless, caught up in the chatter of the mind and the inevitable day-to-day annoyances like why the bus was 10 minutes late or why your computer froze for 30 seconds, missing the bigger picture of the miracle of your life, and all the things we have to be grateful for like family, food, a bed, a funded all-star PhD, program, etc. Many diagnosed with cancer report their cancer triggered them to really prioritize what really matters in life, like their closest relationships and shrug off the little annoyances. Tragically, in their last days, many of them lamented, "Why do I need to be dying to finally learn how to live?! Why do I need to be dying to realize what a blessing it is to be physically healthy?"

I want to get into this mode of being now, as I inexorably age, and before I am possibly diagnosed with cancer.

This blog is about my long-term goal of living my life in Ontological mode. When I am, I'm calm, happy and unfazed by the "little things," and instead in touch with the deep vessel of peace that bellows below the mind's agitated surface. My loved ones have reported that I'm much more pleasant to be around when I accomplish living in Ontological Mode. Therefore, this transformation isn't only about me, but everyone who has to put up with me!

Did I Just Relapse?

It's been 3 days since I proposed the experiment of living more in Ontological Mode to myself. Today when I felt stuck in the Everyday Mode of Being, unable to print a simple homework assignment due to technological difficulties, I yelled aloud in frustration. It's a good thing no one else was in the McPhaul basement to hear me. Bottomline: I'm noticing that writing and blogging about living in Ontological Mode is a lot easier than doing it! It wasn't too long before I realized I had a "relapse."

Usually when I feel stuck or frustrated, I tend to consult mindfulness literature to encourage me to observe the habitual and powerful pull of Everyday Mode instead of blindly letting it suck me in. One of the most well-known monks and scholars on the face of the earth is Thich Nhat Hanh, whose life-long efforts to engender peace throughout the world moved Martin Luther King to nominate him the nobel peace prize in 1967.  In one of his over 60 books, Savor, about mindful eating, he introduces one of his observations from visiting the United States. He noticed most people tend to live with a lot of habit energy. I immediately resonated. So what is it?

Habit Energy is a potent force that yanks us through life, propelling us to rush through most of our activities in order to get to the next one. More is better, right? I can smell some Capitalist America there! It's so unwavering because we tend to be unaware of it and feel powerless to change it. so you have a more tangible idea, it's getting annoyed and impatient when we need to wait two minutes in line to purchase our lunch. It's when we feel irritated that our friend arrived 10 minutes later, making us wait, instead of just relaxing with our breath, enjoying the pause to step into Ontological Mode and let all our blessings sink into to consciousness instead of trying to "kill time." What a terrible phrase, killing time! It's our number one allay! It's life itself! In this blog, I frame it as one of the great tricks Everyday Mode of Being has up its sleeve to take us (and keep us) under its spell. As Thich Nhat Hanh states,

"We are always running and rushing. It has become a habit, the norm of everyday living. We run all the time, during our sleep, the time we are supposed to be resting and regenerating our bodies. We can be worst enemies, in conflict with ourselves, and therefore, you can easily start conflict with others..."

As Thich Nhat Hanh suggests, what's the rush?

Is this how we're going to live until we die? Aren't we exhausting ourselves, running all over the place? Is this really a desirable life? If peace and happiness are such sought-after traits, what are we doing to ourselves? I take it as a gentle reminder to slow down, as our lives are too precious to rush through. I don't know about you all, but I rarely enjoy activities I rush through. Rushing through things stymies enjoyment, pleasure and possibly creativity too. How to do you feel when people try to rush an interaction with you, or stated bluntly, rush through sex? Doing things slowly, mindfully and ontologically is how the tortoise beat the hare! It seems like we haven't really learned from this fable as a capitalist, consumerist culture. The stone-cold truth is that even if we are healthy, we are dying everyday. Every breath inevitably shepherds us to our impending demise. Why not live this moment as fully as possible, before an illness or old age primes of our all human mortality? This is what Ontological Being is all about.

The good news is that the more I become aware of these automatic, conditioned Everyday Mode mental states, the less power they have over me. When I notice the pull, the entitled expectation for immediate gratification, I can pause and just notice it, before I act on it, directly hijacking Everyday mode. The more I notice, the longer the gap becomes to catch myself before I compulsively act on Habit Energy. Maybe I did just relapse, but if I'm committed to learning from my mistakes and expanding my capacity to embody Ontological Being, it's true that relapse can be part of recovery! So far...

My Plan to Live in Ontological Mode

Despite having read about this 'mode of being' distinction months ago, which temporarily changed my life for the better (incredibly!), I've noticed that I've been slowly sucked back into Everyday mode of being as I navigate the second biggest transition of my life, moving to Athens, especially when something goes wrong. I don't want to live in Everyday Mode. I don't want to get flustered when it takes me 30 minutes to print my Statistics homework in Dawnson Hall, or when my textbooks from Amazon Prime get lost in the mail. Those are negligible hiccups that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I want to do what ever it is I need to, and move on, without dwelling or obsessing. As my favorite Buddhist Monk, Ajan Brahm claims, "when it comes to dealing with obstacles, thinking about it is hard, dealing with it is easy."

I want to live in in touch, as often as possible, with the miracle of my life and all I have to be grateful for, like my health, my families and friends, being where I want to be in my life, on track for a doctoral degree, with great training in EMDR, family therapy, private practice and being a fully frequent Spanish-speaker. I want to intentionally dedicate more time to being peaceful, responding mindfully (instead of anxious mindless reacting, apparently my mind's default mode if I let it run the show), trusting that Life is giving me what I need in any given moment, no matter how frustrating a situation viscerally feels. This is includes responding compassionately when I realized Everyday mode pulled me back, and firmly, resolutely yet gently bring myself into Ontological mode of being so I can brush off "the little things" and keep in mind the big picture. 

27 years and 5 months of life experience have taught me that being committed to Ontological Mode is not enough. I need to create a detailed blueprint of specific changes I would like to make. My life experience has taught me as well that I can't be too ambitious here. I need a challenging, yet achievable stars toward this goal. So what's my plan? 

Practicing mindful meditation twice a day, from 5 to 45 minutes each time, at my own discretion, depending on how much time I have and that fully-heartedly commit to without feeling too pushed. I give myself the liberty to alternate between purely mindfulness meditation, gratitude meditation, observing thoughts and/or feelings, using an anchor like the breath, a body scan, etc. This consistency overtime will help me remain more meta to my own mind, so I can watch my mindless reactions (the pull of everyday mode), without reacting, breaking the pattern intentionally and consciously. Here I can directly practice Brent Atkinson's "Canned Attitude" approach with couples, only apply the new desired thoughts and behaviors to my relationship to myself!

I know that writing about this will help me make these changes. After all, what kind of person would I be writing about making all these exciting changes without actually doing them?! The cognitive dissonance would be too extreme to commit such contradiction.