The Worst is Over: It's (mostly) all Up-Hill from Here

Of course it still needs work, but I just learned that I can write a solid literature review a lot better than I thought. I believe the paper I am working on can get published if I work on it for countless hours and get support. I found many gaps in the literature about mindfulness applied to couples, an area of interest I couldn't be more passionate about. When I apply this to Latino couples, the literature is non-existant. This gives me a unique opportunity to contribute to the literature. More and more experiences like this will be opening to me as I progress through this program.

Now I'm happy I just got through the first initial path. On the way to finishing the semester strong. Ontological Mode comes in when I take breaks to take in how lucky I am to be where I am, and that all my problems are first-world. I can now apply what I've learned in previous blogs to stay on the right track. 

With this realization is that, being born into a race with a legacy of imperialism and conquest, it's my job use this benefit to allay the suffering of others less fortunate.  Figuring out what this looks like while staying in Ontological Mode is the topic of another blog.

Self-Therapy: Using Ontological Mode of Being to Say Goodbye to Old Unnecessary Mental "Tapes"

"Our life is like a silent film on which we each write our own commentary."
 -Unknown Zen Buddhist Master

I often "freak out" about all the work I need to do. Even though it's mild, not even close to a panic-attack, this has been happening for decades. I think the first time I remember it was in 6th grade when I had to write my first research paper. Even though I have always completed what I needed to, I still often get lost in the "freak out" mental "tape" like today when I went to the movie theater with my parents. I had a subtle yet pretty long-lasting burst of anxiety. This is old anxiety but it often tries to convince me it's new! I know this but again, it doesn't prevent me from feeling stuck and lost in it. The good thing is now I know I can do something different. Doing and thinking differently will inevitably alter my feelings according to the Thoughts-Behavior-Feelings Triangle we learned in Trauma-focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

Let's look at another inspiring quote:

"If focusing on the desired outcome of an activity is conducive to anxiety and depression, a focus on the process and intrinsic qualities of an activity reduces the likelihood of anxiety and depression. This not only eliminates their negative impact on performance and increases the pleasure of joy during the process, but also increases the likelihood of achieving the positive outcome. In this sense, I have to let go of the desired outcome in order to acquire it. What a paradoxical and strange way to live." 

-Borkovec

Returning to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, a main premise is that thoughts directly causes feelings. I believe feelings can also cause thoughts do and there's research to support this. From a mindfulness perspective (Siegel, 2010), feeling overwhelmed with responsibility originates from old "mental tape" of ruminative thoughts about not completing responsibilities and what can happen from when I was in the 6th grade and faced with new scholastic responsibility. Since this mental "tape" has repeated itself countless times since, it probably have a deep connection of neural networks behind that facilitated its proliferation for all these years. Now I am choosing to do something different. Good thing our brains are quite plastic.

When I notice that I am simply re-experiencing, "hearing old tapes playing," I can step into Ontological Mode and discredit them by refusing to accept them as reality and keep in mind that I have always completed what I needed to. I can also see them mindfully, as events-like rainy clouds passing through the sky, not take them seriously and simply stay present in the here-and-now, which is indispensable in Ontological Mode of Being. Realizing the negative thoughts can be triggered by low moods (Siegel, 2010, p. 152), I can notice my emotional states, the thoughts they generate, and continually remind myself that thoughts aren't reality. From this vantage point, it can be interesting, potentially fascinating to notice the stories that certain moods engender, instead of mindlessly accepting them as truth with a capital T.

 In this sense, I'm choosing to consider the evidence that I have always completed what I've needed to in order to stop buying into "old conditioned tapes" that don't accurately reflect me anymore, and instead create more meaningful and flexible new ones that capture all my strengths, accomplishes and redeeming personality traits.

Since I will be a researcher, when I notice these things, I find them very interesting and then starting thinking about writing about them. This also interrupts the moments I attempt to practice mindfulness but their entertainment neutralizes how much this can bother me. I can also remind myself that these ideas won't go anywhere; they'll wait for me to finish my meditation. It only gets a little tricky when I want to remember them the exact way they appeared in my mind initially, but this too is manageable by every means.

Clearly everything I've written so far is easier to write about but hard to practice. It's time to practice, practice, practice. Bottom line: Instead of conditioned habits writing my story for me, it's also time for me to write my own commentary.

Back in Ontological Mode again; Discouragement as a Mere Mind State that Will Pass

From the vantage point of mindfulness literature, emotional states, although they can feel supremely powerful and consuming, are just transient mind states, nothing more. The metaphor that's been utilized in books, articles and guided meditations is comparing our moods to the earth's weather. Just like our minds, on the earth it rains, then the sun comes out, then it gets foggy. There are many more changes and they will continue to flux and cycle. The key is that there is no inherent goodness or badness about each of the earth's weather states. Sunshine isn't inherently better than rain whether we prefer it or not; both sunshine and rain are simply passing states the earth cycles through. The same applies to inner mind states. The problem is that as humans, we've been conditioned to constantly be seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, when ironically pleasure is temporary by nature and pain is inevitable by nature. (Do you know anyone who's never felt pain?) In this sense, we can help ourselves out immensely by not trying to hold on to pleasure longer than it's meant to stay (there by enjoying it more) and not trying to avoid pain when it inexorably visits us, and embracing it as temporary. 

Returning back to the weather analogy, that's most important is our willingness to be awake and aware regardless of the "weather" state of our minds. No matter what's going on, we can always tune into the vast awareness that lingers below. Staying in the vast awareness is what mindfulness and Ontological Being are all about. It turns out, this unconditional presence, no matter what the present state, is always in reach. By purposely practicing mindfulness, we can train our minds to be less affected by the current mind state and tune into the awareness below. In my field of Marriage & Family Therapy, we can think of this as focusing on process, instead of content, which is where change really occurs. This realization is what's helped me tap into the peace below the Everyday Mode turbulence; I'm feeling inspired even though my recent mind states have been like this picture below.

Identifying & Addressing A Potential Sabotaging Force to Living in Ontological Mode

When I was practicing mindfulness as I was walking to the laundry room to pick up my clean clothes, I noticed that part of me doesn't feel worthy of just being in the present moment, without planning, processing and engaging in some type of mental effort. This part of me always feels behind and is really trying to keep up, play catch-up and make me think that I don't deserve to just be present in the now. I will give this part a name, inspired by Narrative Therapy's Externalizing Conversations.

This part of me is called the "Voices of the Unworthy and Wounded Child" at times and at others, the "Inferiority Complex." Even though small figures come to mind when I try to describe them, their energy is powerful and penetrating. Their colors are dark and they're angry. They're threatened by mindfulness and Ontological Being and prefer to keep me trudging in Everyday Mode of Being. They try to convince me that I'm not worthy of being where I am and that "I'm not Good Enough." When I explore their messages, I discover they're baseless. They're full empty claims, yet their energy is no less powerful. Regarding my inter-world and how I conceptualize my identity, I know this realization is a game-changer, even though these parts of me were never formally externalized. That said, what do I do with the residual emotion of unworthiness, even if I know it's baseless? I think I need to work with an experienced EMDR therapist to help my release the pent-up emotion from past early traumas of being teased in elementary school. Until I get that therapy, I'm still feeling empowered that I identified those parts and their innate baselessness.

Where is Ontological Mode of Being in the Face of Major Everyday Mode Adjustment?

Let me start off with a disclaimer that this topic isn't easy for me to blog about anymore because it's getting more personal than I anticipated. That said, I need to continue because continuing this blog is a commitment I made at the start of my first semester in my PhD program. I don't give up.

I didn't anticipate this much struggle in the transition but I'm at peace with this now that this early stage. I've gone through a lot worse and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel before. I really am a person who sees strength and beauty in vulnerability and struggle so I'm willing to take the plunge. The fact is that not everyone graduates in their PhD program, especially at an R.1 institution, and I'm motivated to allow this to be an impetus for my growth.

It's no secret that my adjustment Georgia, Athens and the MFT program has been quite bumpy . I'm realizing that I'm going to have to play catch-up for a while until I become more settled and confident in my scholarly abilities. My sense is that most of my colleagues have more training and background in academic rigor and overall development as scholar at this early stage in the program. Regarding the topic of my blog, it's time to move toward Ontological Mode of Being by mastering Everyday Mode of Being, that is establishing myself as competent and more than able to contribute originally to my colleagues and professors. This is largely about demonstrating that I belong to do be in this program, not only to everyone in the program, but to myself. I'm ready to go all-in.

The past is the greatest predictor of the future; I think I can do it because I've overcome larger obstacles before. I'm excited to let this experience help me grow.

"Imposter Syndrome" & Feeling Vulnerable as Sources of Resilience & Roots of Growth

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” 

-Martin Luther King Jr.

In my previous posts, I was having fun documenting my journey toward embodying Ontological Being and showing-off my knowledge and personal application of mindfulness and gratitude. This blog has felt like fun self-care writing and I've definitely made progress since I've begun the blog, but now, 2 months into this program, my feelings are threatening my progress. 

As a stern believer in human resilience and in my own capacity to heal and thrive in adverse circumstances, this is when I can be most productive in my writing, so I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write. Even though I can't feel it now, I know this will afford me many opportunities for growth. I must know, deep-down, that the biggest Everyday Mode struggles can potentially lead to the greatest Ontological Mode realizations. I truly believe this and will use this knowledge for courage to be vulnerable. 

I was originally hesitant to write about this because I don't want my colleagues or professor to pity me but I've come to the conclusion they won't; that they will support me instead, because I believe that they too, will be able to identify with my struggles. I'm attempting to be a lot more vulnerable now than I imagined. I guess these types of surprises can be expected after such a monumental transition from doing purely clinical work in California to beginning a doctoral program at a top-tier research institution. 

After a few unsettling interactions with faculty and struggling in my Statistics class, the truth is that I’m feeling very insecure about where I am in my professional development and am starting to have serious doubts about whether I will be successful in this program. This is at the heart of "Imposter Syndrome." It seems like everyone in my program is working exciting projects and I’m feeling left out. I’m feeling “out-of-the-loop,” excluded, less-than, like everyone else in the program is a lot better than me. I guess when it comes down to it, I’m not feeling "good enough."  I'm experiencing being in this position as quite odd because I’ve always considered myself to be confident in my abilities. I know, however, that a lot of what I'm experiencing is "old stuff," mainly feeling left-out in middle school and ridiculed for my speech impediment. My parents supported me after school but I don't think my teachers, who witnessed the others teasing me, knew how to help me and I may have internalized this as my being deficient in some way. I'm confident this will change, as after all, 2 months is simply not enough time to draw conclusions about anything.  I won't let my past dictate my future.

That said, being in such a different, unfamiliar, competitive environment has flipped me upside-down, literally. I went from feeling like I was the strongest MFT intern at my clinic to feeling like no one, out of place.  Where is Ontological Mode of Being now? Why does it feel so abstract, intangible, hard to grasp, far away? 

This will happen sometimes and I know it will pass. I know this type of fleeting emotional crisis can lead to strength and resilience. Writing out my struggles has usually worked for me and I’m confident it will help now too; in fact it already is. Thanks for this awesome writing-therapy, Jason! (You're welcome, Jason). I've just realized that I will need to work extra hard and really be “on the ball” to be successful the way I would like to and how I know I can. This is a wake-up call.  I can do this. I applied to very competitive PhD programs because I wanted to study with the best, not buy my doctorate like students at private and profit-driven universities. Now it’s time I prove myself like I have in the past. After all, I've gotten this far! I know I can too because others have thrived in even worse circumstances. I have many examples!

Jack Ma, CEO of one of the most successful commerce companies of our time, Alibaba, considered the "Amazon of China," was rejected from Harvard 10 times. Elon Musk's ground-breaking technology company, Tesla, was on the verge of bankruptcy; now it's poised to move the word to electric cars and achieve more sustainable transport. In an interview, he was asked if he felt like giving up; he responded non-chalantly, "I never give up."

 J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter was rejected by 12 publishers before it became one of the most widespread fiction novel series the world knows. All-star basketball players Stephen Curry and Michael Jordan endured rejections from various schools before they succeeded. South African revolutionary Nelson Mandela was in jail for 27 years, which only made his fight for democracy and freedom all the more powerful. Timeless psychiatrist Victor Frankl proclaimed that his experience surviving Holocaust was the basis for this groundbreaking Logo-Therapy about meaning in life. Famous New York Times best-selling author Malcolm Gladwell documents that ‘desirable difficulty’ stimulates growth. Jon Kabat-Zinn, who brought mindfulness to mainstream medicine, states, “Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and my heart.”

 In a famous TED Talk, Thandie Newton states, “...And I honestly believe the key to my success as an actor and my progress as a person has been the very lack of self that used to make me feel so anxious and insecure. I always wondered why I could feel others' pain so deeply, why I could recognize the somebody in the nobody… The thing that was a source of shame was actually a source of enlightenment...” 

How can I use their experiences to bring me back to Ontological Mode of Being?
Have you ever felt like this? If so, what helped you get through it?

I would love to see your comments below!

Relapse is Part of Positive Change! I Already Did it 100 times

If only change were so easy. We wouldn't need therapists or life coaches. It's not at all. Even with intention, motivation and purpose! The call and force of Everyday Mode often feels too strong, as we are innately creatures of habit. Let me give you a great and recent personal example.

 Last week my professor of my first Graduate Seminar course here at UGA, Dr. Denise Lewis, who is also the graduate coordinator of my program (a very important person regarding my success at UGA) gave me "the talk" about not wearing my helmet when I ride my bike. Another important professor, core MFT faculty member Dr. Desiree Seponski, used Denise's opportunity to also gave me the business. Soon enough, the whole class started laughing about it. To further intensify matters, Denise enlightened us with a fear-instilling story where her husband gravely injured his head over the long-term because an animal decided to enter his path right as he was crossing on his bike without a helmet. I felt mortified and foolish but I simply laughed with the class because it was a little funny why I wasn't wearing my helmet; I wasn't used to it and I didn't want another thing to deal with. When I reconsider those reasons, they sound quite ridiculous. This is often what happens to Everyday Mode of Being when it's carefully scrutinized through the lens of Ontological Being. The moral of the story is (if I understood correctly) that our brains are too important and wearing a helmet is too easy and simple to not do it. The risks are far too high while there are virtually no costs, and benefit is quite great! A protected brain! Plus I already have a helmet!

Accordingly, to avoid further embarrassment (and also to protect my precious head) I decided that day that I would routinely wear my helmet when I ride. The next day I succeeding in bringing it with me. I was so excited and proud of myself that I emailed Desiree and Denise with the great news of his personal change. The enthusiasm was short-lived when Desiree noticed me riding my bike the following day without a helmet. As I passed by, she yelled "where's your helmet?!" I felt so caught off guard that I almost stopped where I was at one block ahead, to give her the lame explanation that I had totally forgot to wear it. Making such a simple change was harder than it seemed! How I detest this type of realization. I really had simply forgotten because wearing a helmet hadn't entered into my daily routine yet. Apparently I needed to relapse a few times for this change to sink in. And just is such a simple change! What change is simpler than putting a helmet you already own onto your head? If you have any ideas, please let me know.

When I explore this series of events in retrospect and self-compassion and gentle understanding, I can realize that every time I notice I'm in Everyday mode (i.e. forgetting my helmet) and purposely go back to Ontological mode (realizing how important my head is and wearing my helmet), it's a success! I'm much less likely to forget my helmet now, so I can be grateful for this instead of beating myself up for immediately forgetting before. Life is always now.

Dwelling on the mistakes of the past just makes Everyday Mode stronger. In the words of my favorite Buddhist monk Ajan Brahm (who I discovered on YouTube), "you often don't learn from the past but learn a lot more from letting go of the past."