Self-Therapy: Using Ontological Mode of Being to Say Goodbye to Old Unnecessary Mental "Tapes"

"Our life is like a silent film on which we each write our own commentary."
 -Unknown Zen Buddhist Master

I often "freak out" about all the work I need to do. Even though it's mild, not even close to a panic-attack, this has been happening for decades. I think the first time I remember it was in 6th grade when I had to write my first research paper. Even though I have always completed what I needed to, I still often get lost in the "freak out" mental "tape" like today when I went to the movie theater with my parents. I had a subtle yet pretty long-lasting burst of anxiety. This is old anxiety but it often tries to convince me it's new! I know this but again, it doesn't prevent me from feeling stuck and lost in it. The good thing is now I know I can do something different. Doing and thinking differently will inevitably alter my feelings according to the Thoughts-Behavior-Feelings Triangle we learned in Trauma-focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

Let's look at another inspiring quote:

"If focusing on the desired outcome of an activity is conducive to anxiety and depression, a focus on the process and intrinsic qualities of an activity reduces the likelihood of anxiety and depression. This not only eliminates their negative impact on performance and increases the pleasure of joy during the process, but also increases the likelihood of achieving the positive outcome. In this sense, I have to let go of the desired outcome in order to acquire it. What a paradoxical and strange way to live." 

-Borkovec

Returning to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, a main premise is that thoughts directly causes feelings. I believe feelings can also cause thoughts do and there's research to support this. From a mindfulness perspective (Siegel, 2010), feeling overwhelmed with responsibility originates from old "mental tape" of ruminative thoughts about not completing responsibilities and what can happen from when I was in the 6th grade and faced with new scholastic responsibility. Since this mental "tape" has repeated itself countless times since, it probably have a deep connection of neural networks behind that facilitated its proliferation for all these years. Now I am choosing to do something different. Good thing our brains are quite plastic.

When I notice that I am simply re-experiencing, "hearing old tapes playing," I can step into Ontological Mode and discredit them by refusing to accept them as reality and keep in mind that I have always completed what I needed to. I can also see them mindfully, as events-like rainy clouds passing through the sky, not take them seriously and simply stay present in the here-and-now, which is indispensable in Ontological Mode of Being. Realizing the negative thoughts can be triggered by low moods (Siegel, 2010, p. 152), I can notice my emotional states, the thoughts they generate, and continually remind myself that thoughts aren't reality. From this vantage point, it can be interesting, potentially fascinating to notice the stories that certain moods engender, instead of mindlessly accepting them as truth with a capital T.

 In this sense, I'm choosing to consider the evidence that I have always completed what I've needed to in order to stop buying into "old conditioned tapes" that don't accurately reflect me anymore, and instead create more meaningful and flexible new ones that capture all my strengths, accomplishes and redeeming personality traits.

Since I will be a researcher, when I notice these things, I find them very interesting and then starting thinking about writing about them. This also interrupts the moments I attempt to practice mindfulness but their entertainment neutralizes how much this can bother me. I can also remind myself that these ideas won't go anywhere; they'll wait for me to finish my meditation. It only gets a little tricky when I want to remember them the exact way they appeared in my mind initially, but this too is manageable by every means.

Clearly everything I've written so far is easier to write about but hard to practice. It's time to practice, practice, practice. Bottom line: Instead of conditioned habits writing my story for me, it's also time for me to write my own commentary.